« December 2009 | Main | February 2010 »
i was going to put $50/two weeks into savings because of the money i'm not spending on cigarettes... but i think i might have to spoil myself with this windbreaker instead.
so, i bought the windbreaker. i also ordered a small token to give to kurt for vday.
i would like to make this vanity tray for some reason, but i know i'd never use it; though, it would make a nice gift.
i always wanted to do a three-day juice fast, but didn't want to stop smoking for three days (and smoking during a detox seems ridiculous... even more so now); so maybe i'll do one soon.
and, i found this recipe for smoked lox sandwiches that looks awesome.
i took a sick day yesterday... i started getting a sore throat around 2pm on sunday... came into work with sinus drainage on monday, and by monday night, i was hacking. i haven't been go-to-the-dr. sick in five years, and nothing fell into the list, so i decided to sleep it off. i finished another plarn bag (pics to come), and took a long walk with the dags.
back to work today...
allen carr says to avoid gaining weight after quitting, you shouldn't change your eating habits at all. i would be lying if i told you that was the case during my last two weeks... i've been slightly more snacky; whether it's as a result of wanting to have more meals at home, or a reaction to a craving. if it's the latter, i'm not doing it consciously. as i've said, i haven't really experienced a craving bigger than, "me, two weeks ago, would have had a cigarette before/after/during that."
i have noticed a slightly larger muffintop, but i presume once the warm weather comes around, it'll be easy to get rid of.
i haven't done much of it this weekend... i've been experimenting with my rice cooker; took a trip to south park street to check out yue-wah, and determined a) i don't like umeboshi and b) whytf can't anyone accelerate on onramps?
i worked on my braille lesson six, and should hopefully have a 100% correct version to send to my instructor by the end of the weekend.
today, i'd like to clean the coffee maker and come up with something made from shrinky-dinks that will make me a million dollars.
also, i'll be celebrating two weeks without a cigarette.
the pandemic has spread! i have friends and a husband whom i never thought would even consider quitting; and some of them have recently. that makes me happy.
part of the reason smokers don't want to try to quit is that they're told it's hard and that 95% of cold-turkey quitters smoke again within the first year and you suck and yadda yadda. so they're already set up for failure and say to themselves, "why bother?".
the myth that it's hard needs to be dispelled. i know it's only been 11 days, but i have had bigger urges for sushi in my life than for a cigarette in this short amount of time.
allen carr was right. he illustrates the smoker as someone who's just counting down the minutes (hours, days, whatever) until the next cigarette. why would someone wish their life away in order to simultaneously destroy it? i just sat through a two-hour movie and not once did i wish it were over so i could get outside and smoke. i may even enjoy movies in whole pieces now, imagine that.
it's been almost eight whole days and i feel great. the only disappointment i have in myself is that i didn't, wouldn't, couldn't do it sooner.
imagine staring at a kid holding an ice cream cone that appears to be the flavor you love. you don't really eat ice cream anymore.. cuz it kinda upsets your stomach and sweets really aren't your thing.
then imagine tackling the kid, stealing his cone, and running away maniacally with cone in hand. that's how nicotine cravings feel. it's amusing to a point... the tough part, or so i've heard, is when you lose the gumption to put up with the imagination (that's 2 weeks from now).
half of me wants to tackle that kid and rip the ice cream out of his hand, and the other half wants to shove the cold substance into his face so he gets a headache and never eats the ice cream again.
well, a little shy of.
on fridays, work finishes at 1. i was worried that i'd be twiddling my fingers all afternoon, but i seemed to fill it up. we went to the dog park for a little while, and then came home and i had a craving, so i vacuumed. and then cleared a cupboard of expired crackers, etc. we really need to pay more attention to our purchasing habits.
i told a friend, last night, that i was going to clean something every time i had a craving. he seemed convinced that i would run out of things to clean. after vacuuming today (this is usually kurt's job), i realized that as long as we have black-haired animals, i will never run out of things to clean.
yesterday, i cleaned out about 40 bottles of condiments, salsas, ketchup, sauces, dips, and other assorted crap from the fridge.
oh, and also, these last five days have been surprisingly easy. aside from me becoming a more aggressive and impatient driver, i haven't noticed any other bad things. it makes me wonder... i won't get cocky about it ever tho. that helps no one.
so it's been a measley not-even-four days and it's not too bad. i did have a craving after lunch today, cuz i was out at a work conference, and had just eaten and was getting ready to leave. i normally would have really enjoyed a cigarette walking to my car, but i saw two people outside smoking and i thought they looked pathetic.
so now i'm sitting at home waiting for the next dog walk and i had another craving, so i decided to go to woodman's. i'm sitting here again because i can get to and from woodman's in 20 minutes, including shopping; and i want a cigarette.
i think i'll clean out the fridge. we have condiments from before we moved.
it's been almost a full 78 hours. i haven't really had any cravings to speak of. i may, however, be slightly more irritating to those closest to me. according to what i've read, the first 3-5 days are when most of the nicotine leaves the body and it takes a little over two weeks for the rest to dissipate.
another note, i've been eating the exact same subway sandwich at least three times a week since october 2008 and today's sub had a taste that was different; i think it's caused by my taste buds being allowed to do their job. i may have to cut out ingredients until i find the offending flavor-maker.
i think my sense of smell/taste is better already. my daily apple was just a tiny bit sweeter than normal and almost tasted like a pear. i could also smell the faint aroma of tobacco when i unzipped my earbud case and i wrinkled my nose. that's a good sign.
kurt's been nice enough to smoke outside when i'm home and awake. it really doesn't help much in the morning because i can still smell it upstairs, thanks to forced air heat.
hopefully he'll join me soon.
i had my final cigarette on sunday evening. allen carr said to savor the filth so you can remember how awful it tasted, because later on, the little monster (nicotine) will try to make the big monster (brainwashing) forget, over time, how terrible the drug is.
it sounds like a bunch of cult-talk, but it's working so far.
i found a comment on metafilter where a woman mentioned that she carried colored pencils and a sketchbook; so i tried that last night, but my expensive prismacolors kept breaking, so now i have to put together a whole art kit to carry about.
i finished reading allen carr's easy way to stop smoking on saturday; i bought it over six years ago and never read it. i should make an ok time of it.
we get better with practice.
i got mad and i broke.
there's this weird feeling of letting someone down, but that's not at all true or tangible. i can't word it quite right, but i know that there's no one who is affected by my decision but me and that makes it not as bad, which seems really stupid.
i had a frustrating day, an almost tolerable drive home, and an incident that made me feel like i needed a cigarette, and i bought a pack. that's all there is. problem is, i won't throw the rest of it away. it was almost $8. chump change, really. i won't even spend that on a sit-in movie, on principal.
i am relating this because i want record of an attempt at something that i haven't tried before. but i'll try it again. as sure as you sit there and read this.
i need a new plan... i didn't think it through. i just picked a date and stopped. you'd think that would be enough, right? it's not. there are minute-by-minute factors to consider, which i didn't.
who was it? mark twain who said "i've quite a million times". i'd rather not experience this a million times...
so, i broke down and rolled a cig. kurt got some drum to save money and i rolled one. i really didn't like how it made me feel, but i think this set me back a couple days? i don't know. i'm gunna pretend it didn't cuz i didn't like it, but i think if we were on record, i would have to start over.
i told someone tonight that i was considering this a physical experiment. just seeing and feeling how my body would react. so that's how i dealt with it. i won't do that again. i didn't like it at all.
i tried quitting while in college, bumming one cigarette a day from someone at matc for a week. then we roofed my mom's house in oregon and my uncles (who were also quit) convinced me to go to kwik trip and get a pack.
so it's been a little over a day and a half; this is the longest i've gone without smoking.
the drive home was fine. i walked to the tavern to see kurt and was convinced i'd cave after a drink. instead, i got annoyed at those around me. my friend, judy, was very encouraging tho. i kept saying, "we'll see".
if i can make it a week.
last year, my resolution was to perfect my written communication at work. i had noticed that, too often, people sent short and almost unintelligible emails; obviously not proofed prior to sending. i vowed not to turn into that person. it happened once or twice anyway, but i think overall, i did well.
this year, my resolution is more important; i'm going to quit smoking. in the past 6 years, i've cut down to 8-10 cigarettes a day, smoking only when i'm not at work. this fact creeps up to me as an excuse not to quit because the american cancer society considers me a light smoker; but it's not a very good excuse.
i'm going to try cold turkey; i realize that attempting to quit without aid is probably a lost cause, but if i do it this way first and fail, then at least i'll know that i tried. i don't really like gum or sticking things to my arm anyway; and i certainly don't like pills that make you suicidal, have nightmares, and give you hives or whatever chantix is purported to do.
i have figured out that i need to become acutely aware of my triggers, most of which are congratulatory. like, i made it through a day at work (this will be the hardest), i knit 100 rows, i drove 100 miles, i finished a meal, i painted the kitchen for an hour.
almost all of my (non-work) friends smoke. hanging out with them will be difficult... luckily for me, i'm extremely picky and don't have any friends who smoke my kind; so bumming isn't much of an option.
it's been 15 hours since my last cigarette and i don't yet feel like ripping anyone's head off.
this was the first year in a long time that i was in bed before midnight. i didn't even call my mom as per usual.
here's to a happy 2010 and hope you all have a wonderful one.
